Tonight I tried "Write Anyplace" from Writing Down the Bones by Natalie Goldberg:
I am going to write. I am going to write because I have not done it enough to be good at it. I am going to write because I am stressed out. I am going to write because I have read a lot lately and need to process what I have learned before I lose it permanently. I am going to write because I enjoy it and it makes me happy.
I am sitting here in my kitchen in Dutch
Harbor
. Snow/hail/sleet is pelting the windows and it is April 12. A few days ago this would have bothered me because I had a painful case of spring fever. Now I don’t. I don’t have spring fever now because if it were spring it would mean that school was almost out. If school is almost out it will mean that it is almost time for me to move away from Dutch
Harbor
. In so many ways I hate it here and in so many ways I love it. I haven’t lived in that many places but I think it must be that way no matter where you live. When I lived in Petersburg
I was a kid and so wanted to leave to find some freedom and my own place and way to live. I go back there sometimes (not in a long time actually) and I can see why people love it. It is green and lush and homey and familiar. When I am there I feel like a big fish in a little pond, a little like a celebrity. I feel like I can walk around and am carrying an invisible, yet obvious sign that says, “I made it. I left this town and did not fall flat on my face. I succeeded. I left this town and did not come back except for an occasional visit every couple of years and I don’t plan to stay long.” Not that people there admire me or anything. I know that there are probably lots of people there who think I am not a success because I went from there to smaller and, in their opinion, worse towns. But, they can think that all they want. They don’t know because they are stuck in Petersburg
and I am so glad I am not.
But, now I am moving. Moving to Bellingham
. For good. That is so scary because for nine years now we have been saying, “When we move back to Bellingham
” and now it is actually happening. We are actually going to go there. No longer will we be able to say, “I live in Dutch Harbor
Alaska
—in the Aleutian Islands” or “I live in Kwigillingok
, Alaska
—a Yup’ik Eskimo village on the west coast of Alaska
” and we also won’t be able to say, “I live closer to Russia
than I do to Seattle
.” We will just say, “I live in Bellingham
.” That’s not all that interesting. But, obviously, that is not why you live somewhere, so that the one time per year you get out for five days you can awe people with how tough, resourceful, and wily you must be because you live in the true middle of nowhere. I am sick of the middle of nowhere. I want to live in the middle of somewhere. But the middle of somewhere holds so many temptations for me. So much stuff to spend my money on and so much chance for me to get distracted by things that will make me a person I don’t want to be. But plenty of people live there and are happy, so why can’t we be?
And think of how fast my Internet connection will be!
And think of how wonderful it will be to shop at that Saturday Farmer’s Market. And think of how beautiful Zuanitch
Point
Park
is at sunset.
And think of how wonderfully comfortable and homey our house will be after we have a chance to get settled.
And think of how much fun I am going to have digging for treasure at garage sales on Saturday morning with some special friend that I find and won’t have to give up after two or three years when she or I move away.
And think of how much Cade is going to flourish in his Montessori preschool.
And imagine how peaceful and happy Norman
will be when he can see his brother anytime he wants.
And think of all the professional development I can find.
And think of how good it will feel to work in a school where everyone is not jaded and closed off to any new ideas.
And think of how much fun it will be to go to Breadloaf five summers in a row.
And, dang it, think of how fast the damn Internet is there. If I was there now these flickr pictures would be loaded by now and I wouldn’t have to still be thinking up things to look forward to.
I will write. I will write about books I have read lately and how I can’t focus on them anymore because I am getting so distracted. I read Eat, Pray, Love and loved the first part where she was in Italy
but lost track of things when she got to India
. All that concentration made me lose mine.
Then I tried reading 32 Third Graders and One Class Bunny and hated it. It had some heartwarming stories, but it was not all like my teaching life. Everything was either funny or touching. There was nothing about sitting in my chair grading papers when I want to be doing something else and letting that make the grading take even longer. It didn’t say anything about the stupid, rotten things I sometimes accidentally say to my students and then regret later.
Here's a poem...
What I Should Have Done
Walked in the hills with a soft little hand in mine
Appreciated the gift of friendship
Acknowledged the strength of grass
Laughed at the twisted trees
Collected perfectly smooth rocks on the beach
Picked chocolate lilies
Layed down on the mossy tundra and stared at the ever-changing sky